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The 24-Hour Apple TV Network

Apple News at 8, followed by back-to-back episodes of Dunk Tank. Don't touch that dial!

March 9, 2012

With so much outrageous preoccupation with all things Apple, I'm stunned that nobody has proposed a 24/7, all-Apple, all-the-time cable TV network. So I will.

I'm completely convinced that this network would be hugely successful. The Apple fanboys are a loyal bunch and would watch this network religiously as long as it only covered Apple.

I have some ideas for the lineup of shows. Many are daily, a few are weekly. Most are designed to be shown three times a day in the various eight-hour blocks, like most specialty TV networks.

There would be an excessive number of shows starring women—many of who consider themselves nerds or geeks. They would appeal to men ages 18 to 34 and also to some in the same range.

So here is my rundown of proposed shows:

Apple News: This show teases throughout the day and airs for a complete half hour at the beginning of each eight-hour block. The show will consist of new Apple announcements and lots of profiles of Apple users around the world. One segment will show Apple products at work in the field. Considering all the Apple blog sites out there, there should be no problem populating this show with news and gossip (as long as it is Apple-approved gossip).

This Week in iPad, This Week in iPhone, A Mac Show: These are once-a-week productions that will rotate to fill time. The content is self-explanatory. The hosts will have tape on their glasses.

Nerd Heartthrobs: This show will exploit the high profile who have a huge following of admiring geeks. A panel show like The View, it will include any set of top ten geek girls highlighted on numerous websites. They all have to be gorgeous techies. Nobody will care about what they talk about, so they can do whatever they want. This runs daily. A group of 12 young women will make the Apple Tech Calendar workable.

The Guy Kawasaki Show: It's just too obvious to ignore. Kawasaki gives his opinion on new software for all the platforms. He will use the word "fabulous" a lot.

Live at the Apple Campus: Here we have an interview show in which a camera crew does man-on-the-street interviews with employees. They'll ask what the employees think of the company and what they do there. The whole show will be archived by the Apple HR department.

Q&A: The Apple FAQ Show: Featuring more women, but in this case, they will be answering questions about Apple sent in by viewers. Every answer is prefaced with "That's a great question!"

Message from the Chairman: Once a week, Apple CEO Tim Cook steps up to the mic and tells us the great things happening at Apple. He'll introduce himself with, "Hi, I'm Mr. Apple."

Dunk Tank: There need to be some game shows on the network. And what's a game show without a dunk tank? PC users will be put on display on the dunk tank's ledge and Apple fanboys will throw baseballs at a target in an attempt to submerge them. The show might be subject to cancellation if producers can't locate Apple users who can actually throw a ball.

Hunt the Wumpus: Instead of the original idiotic microcomputer text game, this second game show will actually be a scavenger hunt in which contestants try to find inexpensive for any Apple product. A whole season will pass by before anyone actually finds anything.

It wouldn't take much imagination to fill the network with programming. And the audience is waiting.

Stay tuned!