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The New iPad Will Ruin Your Sex Life

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The April issue of Health magazine asserts that women may look 10 years younger when they have sex at least four times a week. That’s a heck of an incentive to burn up the sheets, and I, for one, am grateful to the editors for their encouragement.

The folks at Apple Inc., on the other hand, are a pox on the proceedings. For proof, look no further than the new iPad, which hit shelves last Saturday.

In short, fellas, whatever brand or consistency of nookie you now enjoy is in serious jeopardy. Thanks to the geeks in Cupertino, the night time ain’t the right time any more.

This darkest of realizations began to dawn on Saturday afternoon at the Apple store in Nashville, Tenn., about a 5-minute drive from where I live. Like most Apple outposts, this one, in the Mall at Green Hills, is airy and bright. I was there because I recently traded comfortable trappings at Forbes’ Manhattan headquarters for a Scotch-taped home office consisting of a 6-year-old iMac desktop, Microsoft Office software (from 2004) and no printer. Throngs be damned, I needed some new gear.

My girlfriend—who runs her own public relations firm, loves digital gadgets and demands that I don’t use her real name (we’ll call her “Alice”)—agreed to come along for moral support. (Unlike me at the moment, she also has a car.) It was 5 pm and the store was thick with oglers. I told an effervescent greeter that I meant business and hoped to get the pain over quickly. He gently conveyed that, because of the new iPad’s arrival, I’d have to wait an hour for the next available salesperson. The 20-something hipster (like most of his colleagues) was so pleasant I almost didn’t mind the setback.

Slideshow: Five Things Every Business Owner Can Learn From A Trip To The Apple Store

As Alice and I killed time strolling the mall, she declared: “I think I’ll get an iPad--our household should have one.” That struck me as gratuitous, for two reasons: 1) Alice already has the latest Mac laptop and Iphone; 2) if modern commerce allowed, I frankly could do without digital screens altogether. Still, pragmatism is no match for conviction, and anyway I wasn’t paying for the thing, so I said, “Sounds good.”

Our technology-shopping date soon turned into a deep educational dive. By the time we headed for the parking lot—I with laptop, Alice with iPad—it was 9:30. (The store officially closed at 9, but Apple salespeople are a devoted lot, even on St. Patrick’s Day and even though they aren’t paid on commission.) My synapses were charred from all the chatter, and after a quick celebratory cocktail, I crawled into bed. Alice joined me—as did her iPad.

Thirty minutes later she had downloaded five magazines formatted especially for her new toy. I still prefer words on paper, but I’ll admit the new iPad’s display is so crisp and vibrant it’s frightening. “You know, this is going to help me read more,” Alice chirped at the screen. “At night before bed, I think.” As my eyes snapped open, she turned and added with a nervous giggle: “I hope that doesn’t interfere with…”

I hope so, too. For the last three nights that pernicious little tablet has insinuated itself into our bedtime routine. Meanwhile Alice’s fascination (with the iPad, not me) is gaining speed. Who knows how long this will last? I admit I’m digging my new laptop, but had I known the evil Cupertino hath wrought, I would have made do with daily trips to Kinko’s.

Damn you, Apple, with your superior products, $600 stock price and $100 billion in cash! As for Lilly, Josh, Jonathan, Wade, Tony and the rest of the blue-shirt-wearing, spec-spewing, empathy-exuding, sales-ringing clan at the Nashville store, I’ll see you at a laptop-tutoring session in a couple of weeks.

Maybe I’ll have gotten some action by then.