Apple's new de-Googled Maps app has been taking a lot of flak. I haven't used it much, but it has to be pretty bad to sink head and shoulders below the mass of online mapping options. Recently, while I was searching for a nearby Walmart, one app sent me to an office complex, another sent me to a golf course and a third suggested that perhaps I wanted to visit the city of Wäalmarrt, Norway.
So Apple has responded to the crap map app flap with an apology, which is another new thing to come out of Apple. The only thing Steve Jobs ever apologized for was not dragging reporters up to the second floor before tossing them out the window. But that's fine -- I appreciate the iAculpa. In fact, I'd like to see more of this.
These are some apologies I expect to see coming from other major technology players in the near future:
Google
We apologize for creating an exciting and innovative social network with Google Plus, then strapping it to a toilet and locking it in the attic.
Yelp
We apologize for returning results so tangentially related to search terms that they could be considered elaborate metaphors rather than actual businesses.
Microsoft
We apologize for picking generic-sounding product names. We realize our choices mean, for instance, that you can't search for help installing actual physical windows without digging through three pages of Vista tech support questions.
Amazon
We apologize for not allowing you to buy so much as a pack of gum without reminding you that we sell this thing called a Kindle and maybe you ought to think about getting one maybe.
Rovio
We apologize for taking the kinda cute characters from our kinda cute game and shoving them down your throat with a strength and ferocity that would make a foie gras farmer say, "Dude, harsh."
Yahoo
We apologize for ever, ever thinking that an exclamation point at the end of our name would be "cute."
Facebook
We apologize for telling your mother we exist.
Samsung
We apologize for making your cheapskate brother's smartphone look just as cool as yours.
Twitter
We apologize for the word "tweeted." Yes, we know it existed before we starting using it, but now we feel that it would be better if the word were erased from the timeline.
Netflix
We apologize for only having the later, crappier Christopher Guest mockumentaries available in Instant Watch.
Motorola
We apologize for appealing to the sort of customers that still had CB radios in 1986.
Every Voice Recognition Company Ever
We apologize for telling you once again that, this time, we have a product that's actually going to understand what you say without making you repeat yourself over and over until you realize you're yelling and maybe that's why it doesn't understand and so you calm down and speak clearly and normally and, nope, that doesn't work either.
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Born helpless, naked and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg overcame these handicaps to become an apologist, an analogist and an anesthesiologist.
