Like Santa, it's my job to spread joy throughout the land on one day each year. This time I've decided to hand out gifts to a dozen or so of my favorite tech personalities. The key difference between me and the guy in the red suit and the white beard: Most of my recipients have been more naughty than nice.
Here's who's on my list and what they'll be finding under the tree this year.
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Tim Cook: A magic wand and a pocketful of miracles. Now that the iPad Mini has made its inevitable debut, the Apple CEO may be forced to rely on sleight of hand to satisfy insatiable Appletons. An Apple HDTV? Maybe. An Apple car? Probably not. We're not convinced there are any rabbits left in that hat Steve Jobs left behind.
Julian Assange: Black hair dye, a big bushy fake mustache, and a sombrero. With this disguise, the WikiLeaks founder may finally be able to climb out of that cubbyhole in London's Ecuadorian embassy and escape to his new country of exile. Also: John McAfee's private satellite phone number. If you're gonna run from the law, Jules, at least learn how to make it interesting.
Steve Ballmer: An app that identifies 10 potential heirs to the CEO title and systematically forces them out of the company. The bad news? It won't run on Windows RT.
John McAfee: The number of a good agent at CAA. Somebody has to make a movie out of his life, and I want to see it done right. I see Steven Soderbergh directing, with Johnny Depp in the title role, Lindsay Lohan as his snugglebunny Samantha, and Seth Rogen as faithful man servent and jungle pharmacist Rudolfo.
Mark Zuckerberg: A copy of "Bridge for Dummies" and a seat at the table with Warren Buffett and Bill Gates. The kid is pushing 30 -- it's time he took up another hobby besides killing his own food. Sitting across the table from Buffett and his bridge buddy Gates would offer a valuable education in what not to do when you take your company public. (Lesson No. 1: Don't tell institutional investors one thing and everyone else another.)
Jill Kelley: A starring role on "Real Housewives of Tampa." Now that's she no longer go-to party gal for the military hoi polloi of the greater Tampa-St. Petersburg-Clearwater metropolitan area -- and the South Korean embassy has asked for its "honorary consul" license plates back -- this Kardashian wannabe needs a new gig. This one's perfect: Kelley managed to kill the career of one of the most celebrated generals of our time, so she could probably manage to pull a 1.0 share for Bravo.
Larry Page: Charisma augmention surgery. Sure, he's smart, but the new(ish) Google CEO is so dull he makes even Eric Schmidt look like Mick Jagger. Surely they must be developing some kind of gPersonality app in the gLabs.