Are you an Apple bore?

After last week’s fanfare, Apple’s shiny new gizmos go on sale this Friday. So how much of an iFiend are you? Find out in our fully official iQuiz …

A man and a woman wearing cardboard iPhones pose for photos as they wait for the release of Apple's new iPhone 5S, near the Apple Store at Tokyo's Ginza shopping district
Are your friends a bit fed up of you going on about a tech company? Credit: Photo: REUTERS/Toru Hanai

1. On what device are you reading this?

A. A desktop PC. You wish you could print it out. SCORE 1 POINT
B. Siri, answer this question for me. SCORE 4 POINTS
C. MacBook or iPhone 5S. SCORE 3 POINTS
D. Your mobile or laptop. I suppose you want the geeky details? SCORE 2 POINTS

2. So what are Apple releasing this Friday?

A. Something to part fools from their money. Again. SCORE 1 POINT
B. The iPhone 6. So big, it’s virtually a “phablet”. You can’t wait to give it a whirl. SCORE 3 POINTS
C. Well, duh. The iPhone 6 Plus – at 5.5in, the largest smartphone Apple’s ever produced. Boom! That’s your weekend sorted. SCORE 4 POINTS
D. An iPhone upgrade that’s got nerds’ knickers in a twist. SCORE 2 POINTS

3. When you see people queuing up outside the Apple Store, how do you feel?

A. Amused by their fanboy fervour. In the good old days, it was music, books and films that aroused such passion. Now it’s a telephone. SCORE 2 POINTS
B. Jealous that they’ll get hands-on with the beautiful new beast before you. But hey, you’re upgrading next month. SCORE 3 POINTS
C. Furious that they beat you to it but looking forward to exchanging Apple gossip in the queue. What have Cupertino got up their black turtleneck sleeves next? SCORE 4 POINTS
D. Mystified. Have the Beatles got a new album out or something? SCORE 1 POINT

4. What’s the most annoying thing about the iPhone?

A. Its price, popularity and “sheeple” tapping away at them all the time. SCORE 1 POINT
B. Its laughably low battery life and the clicky keypad noises. SCORE 2 POINTS
C. The camera quality and software compatibility could be better but it’s still worth it. SCORE 3 POINTS
D. Nothing. It’s perfect. A game-changing design classic. SCORE 4 POINTS

5. What do you make of U2 giving away their new album on iTunes?

A. You’re not sure what that sentence means but it sounds annoying. SCORE 1 POINT
B. That thundering bore Bono better not pop up in your iTunes uninvited. SCORE 2 POINTS
C. Awesome. Typical Apple to be so cutting edge. SCORE 4 POINTS
D. A neat idea. Sure, it could’ve been with a cooler band but what’s not to love? SCORE 3 POINTS

6. Have you ever stuck an Apple sticker to something?

A. There’s one on the back of your chair right now. SCORE 3 POINTS
B. No, you’re not a total nerdy numpty. SCORE 2 POINTS
C. Hell yes, all over your home and office. SCORE 4 POINTS
D. Those little labels that come stuck to fruit? Perhaps to a child’s jumper or a Post-it. Sometimes you eat them too. SCORE 1 POINT

7. How did you hear last week’s Apple announcement?

A. Watched a clip online, then hit social media to discuss. SCORE 3 POINTS
B. Watched the keynote livestream, then hit the forums to discuss. SCORE 4 POINTS
C. Read about it the following day. SCORE 2 POINTS
D. What announcement? Is this about Scotland or ISIL again? SCORE 1 POINT

8. How do you like to watch films and TV?

A. Under sufferance. SCORE 1 POINT
B. On your iPad. SCORE 3 POINTS
C. In the cinema or on the sofa. SCORE 2 POINTS
D. On Apple TV. SCORE 4 POINTS

9 Who’s the real genius at Apple?

A. Certainly not those smuggos at the so-called “Genius Bar”. SCORE 2 POINTS
B. CEO Tim Cook. It can’t have been easy stepping into Steve Jobs’ outsized New Balance trainers. SCORE 3 POINTS
C. Am I allowed the ghost of Steve Jobs? If not, design guru Jony Ive. And actually, all us creative members of the wider Apple community. SCORE 4 POINTS
D. Erm … Isaac Newton? Granny Smith? SCORE 1 POINT

10. What’s the next Apple thing you’re excited about?

A. The smartwatch. Wearables are the way forward. SCORE 3 POINTS
B. Apple Pay, OS X Yosemite, Apple Watch … all of it. SCORE 4 POINTS
C. You’re still sulking about them discontinuing the iPod. SCORE 2 POINTS
D. A glass of mulled cider this Christmas. SCORE 1 POINT

If you scored …

33-40 points

You’re a hardcore Apple bore. An iGroupie who might even be in a sexual relationship with one of your many devices. You were hypnotised by Steve Jobs, believed the hype and are now blindly brand-loyal. You disregard techie wisdom, listen exclusively to the Apple marketing machine and overreact to anything remotely negative about your precious products. Take your head out of your Apple-scented arse and get some perspective. It’s a firm flogging expensive gadgets, not a religion.

A queue formed outside the Apple store in Covent Garden even before the iPhone 6 and iWatch had been unveiled

24-32 points

You’re a bit of an Apple bore. An iSpod. Luckily, the condition’s not terminal and, with the right treatment, you could still return to the human race. Sure, Apple products look cool but they’re overpriced, cunningly marketed and aren’t always packing the best hardware. You might think they’re used by creative geniuses, but they’re also used by baristas, hipsters, saddos and squares. Being a geek isn’t all about design chic. You need some substance and objectivity too, fanboy.

The Apple Mecca in Covent Garden, London

14-23 points

You've got your Apple balance about right and healthy. You probably own an Apple device or two, which is fair enough because they’re mighty fine. But you’re not snobby about it, happily shop around and haven’t fallen hook line and sinker for the upgrade culture. You might even be a secret Samsung acolyte or Android fan – aka “Phandroid”. Just be careful you don’t get too cynical and lose that boyish excitement about new toys. On the whole, though, you’re an iMalright.

'Ere, mate. You ever played Flappy Bird before?'

0-13 points

You’re an Apple ignoramus. An iDiot. Your favourite Apple product is the Cox’s Orange Pippin, you think a MacBook is a Scottish novel and that a smartwatch is a timepiece for formal occasions. What started out as a stance and a refusal to jump on the bandwagon has tipped over into you being a fogeyish Luddite. Frankly, you’re missing out. Used wisely, technology can be a life-enhancer that makes work easier and non-work more fun. Stop grumbling and get involved, grandpa.

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