Apple’s very bad, awful week: Say what?

Ain’t no party like a Forbes contributor network party because a Forbes contributor network party don’t stop lighting their hair on fire any time even the slightest thing happens to Apple.

Yes, writing for the Forbes contributor network and Anne Geddes knock-off photography studio, Ewan Spence declares that “Apple’s Terrible Week Continues With Another Serious iPhone Problem.”

Huh. Apple apparently had a terrible week. Was not aware of that but… OK. I mean, the Macalope kind of follows this stuff closely but… there it is in print so, must be true.

Apple has released an unexpected update to iOS which deals with something rare in Apple circles – a zero-day exploit of iOS that would allow a handset to be remotely jailbroken and run malicious code.

Yeah, that. It’s certainly not good but it’s unlikely to affect the company’s prospects at all, unless people want to go back to rotary dial phones.

The exploit has been brought to light by The Citizen Lab working with human rights and pro-democracy activist Ahmed Mansoor, who has allegedly been targeted by the exploit…

So, yeah. Here’s the thing: 0day exploits are no laughing matter. Not even if you call them “oh-day” exploits. That’s just not funny, Gary. And you spent all that money on improv classes. You could have learned a real trade, like soldering or carpet installation.

What would Grandma Toodie say if she were here? Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

Thank God she moved to Florida and doesn’t have to see what’s become of you. No, don’t call her. She’s busy dating that water skiing instructor.

So, while the exploit is serious, it’s mitigated by two factors: First, there’s already a patch. Install it right the heck now, if you haven’t. Second, this attack was specifically targeted at dissidents and journalists critical of governments in the United Arab Emirates and Mexico. Are you a dissident or journalist who’s critical of either government? No? Then you’re unlikely to have been affected. (At least until the exploit is more widely disseminated, so patch nowwwwww.)

The Macalope has already patched so he’ll go ahead and say both governments stink like a Hope Solo-led anger management class. Take that, oppressive foreign regimes!

Spence admits that a patch of this kind would be much harder (in many cases impossible) to deliver if it were needed on Android. So, while an exploit isn’t good, what are your choices? Smartphone operating systems are like politics in the U.S.: It’s a two-party system. Apple’s isn’t better in all things, but it is clearly better at handling these kinds of events and Apple was quick in managing this problem.

Buuuuuut…

…that should not distract from the fact that the previously ‘impregnable’ software running on millions of iPhones, iPads and iPod Touch devices around the world have been left exposed.

iOS was never “impregnable”, in or out of quotation marks. It’s just more secure.

Earlier this week saw the issues with the touchscreen controller chips coming away from the circuit board due to a change in construction methods and flexing in the iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus chaotic.

The Macalope is not familiar with the “iPhone 6 Plus chaotic” but he recommends you not buy that particular model.

This is an issue that has been mentioned on Apple’s support forums and was picked up by iFixit. No one has any idea how many people are affected by it but for Forbes’s purposes suffice it to say that it is a Code Red Tango Monkey Bananas High Alert Status.

Now Apple’s PR team has another fire to put out with a malware exploit. Apple has had a strong and compelling story to tell about the security of its products (the perception being that iOS is pretty much bulletproof, even when it was under fire by the US Government).

The Macalope finds it odd that the people who usually use words like “bulletproof” in regards to Apple’s operating system security are pundits exhausting themselves by rushing back and forth between their fainting couches and the smelling salts dispenser when a flaw is found.

Apple is dealing with a self-inflicted hardware fault, and a software fault that is gathering attention in the mainstream media. What comes next?

Alien attack and then robot uprising, naturally. Come on, Ewan, read the manual.