Are you sitting down? The Macalope hopes so because he has some shocking news. It turns out… sometimes people write things on the Internet for reasons they may not completely reveal up front.
I know, right?
Anyway, totally unrelated, the Macalope found this gem over at Seeking Alpha. The author is listed as “Standard Investment Company Inc.” which is the perfect kind of bland for such banalities.
“Tim Cook Needs To Be Replaced.”
You’d think that any article saying Cook needs to go should also suggest who in the wide, wide world of sports could replace him but, nope.
“Well, I think we should do away with gravity!”
But… but… how would we keep from flying off the Earth and into space?
“Look, I can’t be responsible for handling all the details…”
Presumably Cook’s replacement should be one of the obvious choices like Elon Musk, a basket full of fluffy bunnies or Batman.
Tim Cook, the CEO of Apple Inc…
That Tim Cook. Not the fry chef Tim Cook from Decatur, Illinois, or the airline pilot Tim Cook from Chillicothe, Ohio. Those guys can keep their jobs.
…is one of the more controversial CEOs in the world.
Um… no?
On one hand, people praise him for the financial successes that Apple accomplished under his tenure. On the other hand…
…there’s this monkey riding a unicycle. I think we should take the monkey very seriously. He may have some good stock tips.
…there are those who believe that Tim Cook is not the visionary CEO that a world-class company needs.
Cook may not be your D&D character sheet come to life, but he’s at the very least the best person for the job.
The rest of this piece is a slide deck that has been spilled all over the Information Superhighway like a garbage truck spun out of control and tipped over. The Macalope does not know if this was actually presented somewhere or if Standard Investment Company Inc. just thought PowerPoint was the go-to application for this particular form of ridiculous performance art.
What makes up this dark carnival of the soul? Oh, the usual. Apparently all Apple has released under Cook that’s new is the Apple Watch, which “fell short of analyst expectations” so it’s a “failure”. It’s also missing important functions.
…can’t text…
Other than when it can.
…can’t go on Facebook…
You’re welcome.
…can’t watch videos…
The masses looked up and shouted “Let us watch videos on a 42mm screen!” and Tim Cook looked down and whispered “No.”
…can’t take pictures
You can’t even point your wrist at something to take a picture with it! You have to take your smartphone out of your pocket to take a picture… like an animal. A big, stupid, picture-taking animal. Taking pictures with our wrists should be what separates us from the animals but, nope, thanks for nothing Tim Cook.
Other reasons Cook should be shown to the curb include the fact that the car project changed focus, they’re not selling an augmented reality product yet when we are all already enjoying well-defined augmented reality products from other vendors and, uh, here’s a picture of Cook next to a picture of Steve Ballmer with an equals sign between them.
Really.
In response to these concerns, allow the Macalope to quote Seeking Alpha commenter Skippy09:
This place just doesn’t run out of monkeys or typewriters.
The Macalope couldn’t have said it better himself, Skippy09.
One wonders what could drive someone to write a piece like this. But one doesn’t have to wonder for very long. One just has to look at another post by Standard Investment Company Inc. which includes the following disclosure:
Disclosure: I am/we are long MSFT.
Oh. Ohhhhhhhhhh.
OK, now it makes sense.