Apple under Steve Jobs had an edge, albeit, a curved edge. Annual keynotes and special events back then created fist-pumping excitement and vulgar exclamations shouted into the air. "F-yeah" the crowd would yell. Now, while there is a round of applause calmly elicited after every minor announcement, the overall sentiment is that Apple events are like listening to a hardcore rap song on Top 40 radio. There's just something missing.
So today we're all supposed to 'gather round' and listen to Tim Cook and company roll out another set of rectangles, an update to a wrist rectangle, maybe updated larger rectangles and perhaps MacBook or iMac updates. There is this Kimmy Schmidt, Mr. Rogers, Sesame Street feel to this whole 'gather round' thing. It's homey, it's cheesy and it doesn't exactly inspire the edge and innovation that Apple used to be known for.
Now, I could be wrong. This could be the kind of gathering around that ends with Brad Pitt as a dissociative personality of Ed Norton beating the crap out of Jared Leto. Or it could be the kind of gathering that ends with Dale and Brennan performing "Por Ti Volaré" at the Catalina Wine Mixer. The point is that at this point, while we think we know what to expect from Apple and company (we know what to expect from Apple and company), we still could be surprised by the outcome and left with a sense of awe and excitement.
As we gather, possibly round, later today, sitting legs crossed in front of the fireplace waiting for America's kind tech uncle Tim to regale us with a tale of RAM updates and firmware improvements — what can we expect from the one trillion dollar company today?
One thing we can be sure to see are expensive phones and terrible naming conventions of said phones.
Specifically, we can expect three new phones today. The first will most likely be the iPhone Xs, the successor to the iPhone X. The iPhone X of course being the tenth anniversary phone, so naturally Apple would simply add a letter to the name instead of spending all that money on branding for something like XI. The phone will have a 5.8 OLED screen and come in gold. Totally worth gathering around. Gotta get that gold. Especially for the rumored price point of $800-$900.
The next phone up will probably be the (ugh) iPhone Xs Max. That's right, Max. It appears that Apple is dropping the 'plus' designation for its larger phones and going straight for the rock climbing crossfit crowd. The Max will offer a 6.5-inch OLED display, come in gold (because nothing sells the homey 'gather round' aesthetic more than gold) and be priced in the $1000 range.
The third phone will be a cheaper, smaller 6.1-inch LCD model, the name of which has yet to confirmed by any rumors. Based on trend, it'll be terrible and while we would assume the 'S' would be used here to indicate 'smaller', it'll most likely be the iPhone 9 since Apple can't go forever skipping a number. We all know how to count. It was literally one of the first things we learned, even before defecating outside of our pants.
Gather round kids, let me tell you about the age in which we put wireless earbuds in our ears and used watches to do everything else but tell time. AirPods 2 and Apple Watch 4 will most assuredly be announced today, because what would an Apple event be without tiny upgrades to things that we are constantly in fear of losing?
Now, when we gather round later today will we see a new MacBook? Will there be a Mac Mini? An iMAc? What about iPad pros? We could see all these things, but we could also see none of them which would be a detriment to what we've come to expect from an Apple event. We need to be wowed again, re-releasing the same phones every year isn't really wowing us. Apple has become complacent in a way. I guess we'll have to pull up our flannel overalls, grab a handful of S'mores and scoot up around the campfire and hope Scoutmaster Cook brings the real treats to the party in the form of serious hardware we can get excited about.
