The iPad has left more competitors stalled at the side of the road than an electromagnetic pulse. But now these also-rans have banded together to fight back! Tired of selling a fraction of what Apple’s tablet does, the manufacturers of Android, PlayBook, Windows and grade triple-Z tablets have decided to move units, no matter what it takes. In this exclusive deal, you can get an entire pallet full of iPad competitors for the low price of $100! That’s just a penny a tablet! What? That’s still too much? OK, well, how about $90 for the lot? $80? What if they threw in a second pallet for free? No? How about if they just give you two pallets full of netbooks and the pallet of tablets? And a pony? Wait! Come back!
The spotlight now shines on Tim Cook, Phil Schiller and the rest of Apple’s executive corps. But who are these guys? Keep track of who’s who with the Apple Executive Trading Card collection. Each card features a glossy photograph of the executive, with his industry-leading stats on the back. Did you know that Scott Forstall bats left-handed but clicks through slides with his right? Did you know that Peter Oppenheimer, while not a closer, successfully saved 25 meetings last season? And Jonathan Ive? He’s British! Who knew? Cards are etched on anodized aluminum and are not suitable for putting in the spokes of your bicycle.
You know him as the quietly competent CEO of Apple, but Tim Cook has another side. “Tim Can Cook” includes dozens of the Apple exec’s favorite recipes–from southern barbecue (reflecting his Alabama roots) to California cuisine–as well as invaluable tips for making your kitchen run like a well-oiled machine. Get local grocers to agree to exclusive high-volume deals on staples like milk and bread. Squash speculation about what you’re cooking up by planting false dinner rumors. Or carefully cultivate your culinary mystique, so a host of foodie rumor sites will hype upcoming meals for you. You’ll have folks lined up outside your kitchen days ahead of mealtime.
While pundits continue to speculate about whether or not Apple will ship a television set, the good folks at Swanson have already made the first peripheral for it: Featuring a balanced meal of Salisbury steak, peas and, of course, apple cobbler, the Apple TV Dinner plugs right into the USB port of your Apple TV (either generation). Five minutes later, your dinner is piping hot! Swanson says this is just the first in a line of Apple-compatible entrees. For families, an optional powered hub can be purchased to heat up to five meals at once.
Author: John Moltz, Contributor
John Moltz recently gave up the glamour of working in corporate IT to write online at his Very Nice Web Site. He does not respond to questions about whether he used to write what amounts to Apple fan fiction.