Apple WWDC 2016 Preview: Rumors And Rumblings

WWDC is always a big deal in the tech community. The annual Worldwide Developers Conference is Apple's Academy Awards, if the awards were only given to the Academy members and you only saw a few very particular movies all starring Hugh Jackman. With a mix of hardware announcements, software updates and furiously enthusiastic applause at every punctuating point, WWDC is the apex of Apple's development year. This year it seems early word is that WWDC will be a bit different than years past, as consumer sentiment towards Apple has shifted to that gif of Liz Lemon rolling her eyes. With the WWDC Keynote set to kick off in just a few hours (depending on your perception of time), it's important to pretend to know you can predict the future, especially if you are a tech blogger.

After checking with multiple sources -- the guy running the hoverboard kiosk outside the Apple store, a group of teenagers wearing hoodies in the middle of summer, a San Francisco Chocolatier who lived in Brooklyn for a summer, a millennial tech blogger and that dude who sells decade old electronics out of the back of his Jeep Cherokee in the Burlington Coat Factory parking lot -- I have compiled a list of possible reveals at Apple's WWDC 2016.

iOS 10

Steve Jobs' hologram will make a special appearance (due to Apple fanboys continued disapproval of Tim Cook's overall demeanor and inability to pull off a turtleneck) to make the watchOS, tvOS, OS and iOS announcements during the WWDC Keynote.

Stealing the naming convention from Android, the latest iOS will be called "S'Mores." Actually, it will just be called "X" or "Simba". iOS 10 will have an updated version of "Error 53" that will immediately brick your phone if you let someone who was last touching an Android device even think about playing a game on your phone. My source at the mall told me that Apple is working harder to solidify compliance within their ecosystem, even creating an app that enables the iPhone to excrete a small dose of cocaine into your fingertips. As if people have a problem with not looking at their phones enough.

There is also a hard rumor about Siri SDK, which will enable Siri to caress your third-party apps. Delicious! That applause should be good because it has acronyms.

iOS 10 is expected to not only bring more bloatware, but enable you to remove stock apps easier through a series of blood sacrifices to the demon lord Demogorgon. Lukewarm applause. I have a feeling iPhone fanboys love them some bloatware and wouldn't want that source of so many disparaging tweets to just disappear.

The rest of the rumors seem trivial, like the feeling you get before eating the Cheerios off the floor that just fell out of your bowl, but they are the ones that rolled under the dishwasher. Some updates to the music apps, integrating a full 80s techno beat box into visual voice mail and being able to draw on pictures in edit mode. So basically, catching up to Android OS circa 2012.

OS X 10.12

Keen iPhone users have noticed in the recent days that Siri has been getting a bit lippy. Clearly entering her "tween" phase, it appears that Siri is about to go all Splice on us with a move to OS. The brain of Siri is evolving, and soon she'll be able to seamlessly give you loads of misinformation across all your Apple devices. She's already slipping up, referencing the Finder app with little prompting.

I'll be on a plane during WWDC, so I'll miss the collective gasp from the crowd as it is announced that the OSX naming convention is dead and it will become macOS to become consistent with the other operating systems. Apparently, as Apple was progressing along with integrating the operating systems, Siri was getting confused with an operating system that started with a capital letter.

Aside from Siri worming onto your Mac, there will also be updates to Continuity, enabling your iPhone to unlock your Mac like it's car door. Just in case... uh... I can't actually think of a scenario where that is necessary. You have no hands? I guess this has to do with Apple Pay being enabled in web browsers, so you could effectively see a commercial on your Apple TV, order your Apple Watch to unlock your iPhone to unlock your Macbook then... still have to get up to physically use the browser. This is like being able to turn on your toaster remotely.

tvOS 2 and watchOS 3

I didn't even know these were things. I figured they just ran off some scaled down version of iOS. I'm pretty sure the crowd will be asleep at this point. I have no verifiable rumors here. Everything I heard relating to the Apple Watch I can't repeat. This is a family website!

All that other stuff

The app store is getting a long over due update. My sources tell me that developers will get 85 percent instead of 70 percent going forward, and there will be more ads served to customers. Surely that's just a coincidence. 90% of the ads will be for Puma shoes, if the volume of marketing emails I get are any indication. An improved search will make it easier to find the latest Frogger clone.

Apple Pay will be coming to a browser near you! I'm pretty sure Apple has invented, or revolutionized, or re-invented the way we send money. At least, that's how they'll sell it when they announce person-to-person payments. You know, like what you can do in Paypal right now. But hey, if you already aren't giving Apple as much money as possible in a hardware market they've already cornered you into, then you may as well treat them like your bank right?

All of that bank information will be kept in the iCloud, so expect a lecture on the FBI and some other nonsense on how Apple Pay is more secure than duct tape wrapped around your piggy bank stored inside a fire safe at the bottom of the ocean.

iMessage will be adding a full slate of vulgar emojis according to the kid at the mall. Though, he told me that right after he called me old for asking him where the Orange Julius was, so I can't vouch for the validity of that. iMessage for Android would be pretty interesting, but I wouldn't count your Raptors before they hatch.

Finally, there aren't supposed to be any hardware updates at WWDC. That seems odd, so I asked my sources to speculate. They demanded more cream soda and five extra minutes with the Jony Ive dakimakura. I'm hearing the iPhone 7 will have proprietary headphone jacks, doing away with the 3.5mm and requiring a dongle if you want to use anything besides the Bluetooth-only Beats brand ear-pods. iPhone 7 may have features that rival Samsung circa 2013 and will be shatterproof up to two feet. There might be a new MacBook Pro, but that rumor could be just because the Air got a RAM update in April.

Please applaud for watch straps.

If there any hardware announcements, the crowd won't be able to contain their double soy extra foam caramel lattes after the sheer excitement of software announcements, presentation slides and wet-palmed applause. Either way, be sure to tune in somewhere for the live-stream. Apple WWDC Keynote starts at 1pm EST, Monday June 13th and the conference runs through the 17th. You can always count on Apple to always be something different, something new.