Not-great expectations: The iPhone 7 pre-judgement

Summer is almost over and Apple’s set to announce the iPhone 7 next week, so we’ll finally be able to get a full sense of how big a disappointment it will be.

Before we inevitably bathe in the glow of the real fail that is to come, let’s take a look back at the fail that’s been projected at this unannounced phone over the past months. Because pundits who would have done better to have gone to summer camp and learn real-world skills like how to make a wallet or ride a horse or sleep in a cabin with half a dozen other pundits, instead wasted those halcyon days on deriding a forthcoming smartphone.

Summer hatin’, happened so fast…

The Verge’s Nilay Patel got the summer hatin’ kicked off as early as June when he said removing the headphone jack was “user-hostile and stupid”. We don’t need to see things before we judge them. What a waste of time that would be. And when there are so many good shows on these days what with the Netflix and such.

Summer hatin’, had me a blast…

Not only can we deride the device we haven’t seen, we can also deride the marketing of this fabled phone, as Forbes’s Ewan Spence informed us that not only was the iPhone 7 a total loserphone, Apple’s marketing of it would be “unimaginative”. That’s so full of whimsical speculation about the future you almost want to put it up for a Nebula Award.

Met an iPhone, bad as can be…

Thanks to “science” we “know” the iPhone 7 will fail because a Quartz survey released over the summer revealed that nobody wants to buy a phone they haven’t seen yet. You see how this works? It is clearly impossible for Apple to sell a phone that no one wants because they haven’t seen it, therefore the iPhone 7 is doomed. QED, squirrel gorilla toast.

Met a Samsung, so good for me…

So, who did the pundits of summer think would be the fall’s big winner? Do you have to even ask?

Forbes’s Ben Sin said “With iPhone 7 Likely To Disappoint, This Fall Is Samsung’s Time To Strike” while TechnoBuffalo’s Todd Haselton declared the Galaxy Note 7 is “miles ahead of the iPhone”.

Say, how’d that work out? (…the Macalope asked, knowing full well the foley answer was the sound of car tires screeching, a crash, Godzilla roar, monkeys hooting, cat yowl and finally a slide whistle.)

Well, first there was this:

“With the Note 7, Samsung Still Delivers Embarrassing Real-World Performance.”

And then there was this:

“Samsung Galaxy Note 7 and Gorilla Glass 5 scratch quite easily.”

Aaaaaand finally there was this:

“Samsung Recalls Galaxy Note 7 After Battery Explosions.”

Don’t fret, Samsung. Despite these setbacks, pundits still know that the future is only ever yours to take and Apple’s to lose.

Regardless of the outcome of next week’s Apple event, the Macalope will just be glad we’ll be talking about something real. Well, until we start the whole thing over again about the iPhone 8.