It's hard to imagine what we'd all do if "evolutionary" didn't rhyme with "revolutionary." Certainly Apple announcements, like the latest iPhone, would leave press and pundits alike at a loss for words. Apparently every new Apple product is either a deeply controversial rejiggering of an entire category of gadgets, or "evolutionary, not revolutionary."
So fine, we all hate Apple for merely selling a thinner device with a bigger screen and more microphones. If Apple doesn't make us clutch at our genitals in surprise and alarm with EVERY SINGLE PRESS RELEASE, we're all going to pull our Zunes out of the kitchen drawer just to spite them. So here are five things Apple could have announced to be truly and utterly revolutionary.
- Skipper
Siri is kind of, I dunno, sterile. She lacks the one indicator of a true human soul: the ability to cringe. Skipper, the replacement for Siri, can detect an increase in your voice volume, a sharpness of tone, or even scan your furrowed eyebrows, responding with an appropriate measure of cowering and pleading. The new flexible polymerinium body of the iPhone even allows skipper to quake with fear, flinch from your commands, or hang its front-facing camera in shame.
- Tesseract
The problem with mobile devices is that you have to sacrifice speed and power to make them tiny. Apple has finally solved this problem by shunting the bulk of the new iPhone's components into a pocket dimension, allowing you to carry around a phone as thin as a beggar's dreams that weighs only two and a third pixie kisses. However, the new device is incompatible with all purely material peripherals, requiring you to buy an adapter about the size and weight of a Kia.
- Panopticon
Why stop at three microphones and two cameras? Panopticon technology incorporates over 2 million nano-recorders into the surface of the new iPhone, allowing you to capture not only audio and video, but a full three-dimensional rendering of the exact state of your immediate vicinity, both physically and psychically. It captures every blade of grass and discarded candy wrapper at your feet, as well as the weird feeling you had that there used to be a different store on the corner, but you can't remember what store it was, maybe a florist?
- Eclair Interface
At this point, we all have a dozen or more accessories for the various devices we've bought over the years. Maybe you've got a cable that appears to be a 30-pin connector on one end and one of those things swimmers put on their noses on the other, and you can't for the life of you figure out what it was for, but you feel bad just throwing it away. Well, Apple's new interface standard requires that all devices designed to work with the new iPhone must be completely edible, and at least marginally delicious. Soon you'll look forward to clearing out your electronics drawer while enjoying wild cherry charging stations and bacon-flavored earbuds.
- The iFabber
We all know that products like music and movies can't bring true happiness: That requires physical possessions. The iFabber is a device about the size of a Rubik's cube that can create small sculptures of whatever you want, provided you want something approved by Apple. For instance, you can create a teaspoon, or a small bust of Saint Jobs, but not a keyboard because YOU DON'T NEED A KEYBOARD, DAMMIT.
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Born helpless, naked and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg overcame these handicaps to become an innovator, an ennervator, and a inferferometer.
